Be honest. We all have thoughts about the one who got away. It can be recent or it can be decades before but either way, you think about what might have been. It can happen even if you're in a satisfying relationship or if you're alone. There's just something about them that comes to mind. It's hard to admit that we want someone who no longer (or never did) wants you. I guarantee, no matter how happy you are in your life, every once in a while your mind wanders back in time and you grieve the lost relationship as if it were a dear friend. You don't understand why it had to happen and what you could have done differently. Sometimes there's nothing you could have changed because the problem was not yours to begin with but rather with the object of your desire.
My experience with this started over 20 years ago. There was a prominent professional man, who was ten years my senior, that I began dating. It only lasted for a few months and we were never intimate so our break-up was amicable. A few years later, I married and had a daughter. We moved from South Carolina to Kansas so I was cut off from family and friends rather abruptly. From the outside, we looked like Ken and Barbie with Skipper. On the inside things were not so perfect. I kept in touch mostly by email with my former love that I'll call Matthew. Whenever something big happened he was the first person I wanted to talk to. Don't get me wrong, I only felt friendship with Matthew because I was emotionally and physically faithful to my husband. But all that is another story.
Long story short. After 15 years of marriage I made the decision to divorce my husband. The first logical person to call after my mom was Matthew because he was an accomplished attorney. I knew I needed to return to South Carolina from Kansas. Matthew explained the statutes regarding divorce in South Carolina. Basically he told me that I either had to have a grievous cause (adultery, abuse, etc) that I could prove or I had to be separated for one year. As it turned out Kansas was a No fault divorce state where you didn't need cause or even be separated. I only had to file and the court date was 60 days later. Through all of this, Matthew was my support system. He knew the hell I'd lived in and he still cared enough about me to try and help. My ex actually went into my email and accused me of wanting to leave him for Matthew which was absurd since we hadn't seen one another in oner 15 years. But in his mind, I was moving back to my home to be with Matthew. I do admit that I often thought (mostly during bad times in my marriage) and wondered what would have been my reality had I stayed with Matthew.
After my divorce I did move back home. Matthew and I arranged to have dinner out soon after I moved back. Seeing him, hearing his voice as he spoke my name, the way he had a funny retort or story no matter the subject we were on. Everything felt right. I felt 22 years old again and I couldn't contain my feelings from leaking out. That's when Matthew told me he would remain a confirmed bachelor at 50+ years. We stayed friends and kept in touch, however I recognized that he was taking weekend trips to a city on the coast. Finally he told me about his "arrangement" with a friend with benefits down there. He told me that my emotions scared him, that he'd love to sleep with me but he couldn't risk me being hurt when he couldn't reciprocate my feelings for him.
To this day, we remain friends but with no benefits. I asked him to please not tell me when he was going to the coast because it was like a dagger to my heart. For a long time, I wondered what I did wrong. I wondered why he couldn't love me. Then I realized the issues were within him and not caused by me.
He's the one that got away, and I'll always have feelings for him in a small portion of my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment